Letter To The Past

Dear 16 year old Me, 

I may be interrupting your deep thoughts and serious contemplation about the future, after all you are at a point wherein you have to make the all important decision to choose your stream for junior college. And while you spend hours surfing the Internet and consulting countless people, I can only throw back my head and laugh heartily at the scale of the decision you had to take. Trust me, it is only the beginning - over the course of time, you will have to take decisions that are antagonistic to your nature yet essential at that moment. And since you have such a short attention span (I am sure you have switched windows to surf Orkut), I have listed some advice for you. Read, lady, read.

1. It is okay to get older, after all it happens only once a year, right? It is not wise to spend all of your birthday moping over the fact that time is flying by without you doing anything worthy of your life; you after all have the whole life ahead to think over this. Birthdays are going to get better if you choose to spend them with people who do not just want to have an extra helping of the cake but also your happiness.

2. While you keep hoping for a slight weight gain so that people stop calling you underweight, I advise you to be happy the way you are. The next few years you will gain quite a few kilos and then people will start calling you 'healthy'. Then you will make an attempt to shed some flab and then people will ask you if you are unwell. Opinions change, you should not.

3. Do not give up writing. Ever. It is one of the things that will keep you sane.

4. It is okay to get your heart broken; all you got to do is pick up the pieces, wipe your tears and vow never to cry for the same reason every again. Shit happens, you move on.

5. It is easy to separate the black characters from the white ones; it is the grey ones you should be wary of. You know, the two faced variety.

6. Click lots of photos, it does not need a great camera but a good eye to capture precious moments. Years from now on,when you stumble upon such photos, you would be grateful that you clicked them.

7. Tell people that you love them even though they might dismiss you as slightly(or certified) crazy. Call them out of the blue saying that you miss them, write them cute notes and make them feel wanted. There is no greater joy in the world than being told that someone loves you. 

8. Dance like no one is watching, dance like you do not care!

9. While you may not realize this now, it is very important to be yourself. Trust me, you cannot act like someone all your life, a point will come when you will realize the futility of this whole exercise. You are a bad actor so just quit the stage now.

10. Forgive. Because circumstances change and people do not always live up to your expectations. You will realize why it is important to give someone a second chance when you will need one yourself.

11. It is important for you to know that discovering new places does not require money; it is about teaming up with like-minded people who are willing to give you company  to survive on a shoe-string budget. Know this and you will be witness to some of the most lovely sunrises and sunsets.

12. Always laugh, sometimes it is all that you can do :). You do not have to be in control of every situation in your life, there is a certain sense of contentment in letting things go, to sit back and watch how things turn out. And they sure do turn out well.

13. 'This too shall pass', repeat this to yourself every time you are at a dead end. You will look back on the past and think how much you have sweated over the small things in life and regret the time wasted. Bad phases never last, it is your bad attitude that fuels the negative situation. You have to keep looking for signs telling you that it is enough and that the worst is over. What won't hurt you, will only make you stronger.

14. Do not have the Spicy Chicken from McDonalds; you will weep hot tears. Also, trying multiple flavors of Naturals ice-cream on the same day is not such a good idea.

15. Do not spend too much time on Facebook, but this advice is totally useless knowing that I am still have a window open right next to this one. :D

16. Lastly, never feel guilty about making yourself happy. There may come a choice when you have to choose between your own happiness and someone else's, but you do not have to be the martyr every time, do you? Everyone thinks about their own happiness and it is high time you did too, even though it means taking some hard decisions.

There, it is not that tough advice to stick to is it? You will continue to ignore many of them and make mistakes and I am glad that you will do so. After all, what is life without a few bruises and scratches? ;) ;)  

,Love

Shwetha

What would you want to tell your sixteen year old self? 

Puppy Endings

It takes an overwhelming moment to kick you out of a self-imposed reverie. Of late, things have been moving pretty fast and with the multitasking slowly affecting my health, it has been a crazy start to this year. Not that I am complaining, but there are some things that I miss so much. I miss staying up late and gobbling an entire book just because it is tough to keep it down; I miss watching back to back episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and How I Met Your Mother; I miss the smell of the musty watercolor paint box when I start painting; I miss the sane life. Unfortunately, there is not much I can do about it so the dull ache of memories is a constant companion.

Lately, I had something to look forward to - the friendly street dog had given birth to a puppy and was the cynosure of all eyes. Everyone would lean out of the window and watch with excitement as the puppy first opened his eyes, took the first steps and after a few days, bounced around happily.

The windows which had watched its progress each day now started dropping little pieces of biscuits, bread and  fish bones. The enterprising young kid in the building finally gave it a name - Guddu. It became a weekend ritual for me to go downstairs and sit besides him while he went around his daily activity of toppling over the water saucer, dig the lawn and look longingly at the windows for his treat.


Then one fine day, he disappeared. Guddu's mother's howls all night were a constant reminder of the pain and loss. It goes without saying that I was very upset by this turn of events; it felt as if every good thing in the world is meant to be temporary, ultimately meant to leave you with memories that would sustain happiness only for as long as your optimism lasts.


While I was contemplating putting up his picture on Facebook in case anyone spotted him, a familiar yelp had me rushing to the window. And there he was, looking upwards with a limp foot, a few scratches but the same bright eyes staring back at me. The milk-soaked bread came out, so did the biscuits and the water. So did our emotions of elation at seeing Guddu back with us. Good things being temporary is not always a bad thing, I suppose. They stay around us long enough to miss them when they are gone and realize what we will miss if we continue to make the same mistakes.

For now, it is all celebrations around me. The doctor has assured us it is not a fracture and Guddu is on the path to recovery. Here are the pics of the little tyke who made me write this post and update the blog after two long months :) It was a puppy ending after all.

Evident From My Blog Title

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

~Anatole France

Life has a strange timing of granting your wishes- it makes them come true when you are spewing cynicism and the light at the end of the tunnel seems like another mirage. The break that I have been cribbing about landed on my lap when I had come to accept the monotony of my life.

Although the planning had been on for a week, given my reputation of flopped plans [:D], I tried not to get overtly excited about the whole thing. As the week progressed, I saw the location change three times and the number of people dwindle from ten to five. Had it not been for a very determined group of five people desperate to make it a success, this trip would never had happened. And I am glad, it did not fall apart.

We did the usual touristy things- roamed around the market, shopped for sovereigns, saw the same mountain from five different points/locations and went boating. There were moments when we simply sat on the edge, looked across the horizon, five people lost in thoughts and musings of their own.

I realised I travel differently- the excitement of seeking familiarity is more than that of discovering new places. Here, staring out of the window opening to a postcard-perfect view, I could not help thinking about settling there and writing a book, roaming around on cold mornings in the twisted alleys, cupping hot tea glasses for warmth and reading Robert Frost poems in the dead of night.

My memories are not of the perfect landscapes I witnessed but of laughing till my sides hurt, of endless brooding over life's unnecessary complications, of comfortable silences and of feeling something stir within. This is what I seek in a trip and from what I know, the journey has just begun.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -

I took the one less traveled by

And that has made all the difference.

~ Robert Frost

Numb

***There are a lot of things going on in my head as I sit down to jot this post and you are advised to not proceed if you have trouble stomaching rants. You have been suitably warned.***

Of all the things, I hate this numbness, the complete inability to feel things does not even allow me to be miserable. Every day I wake up, I genuinely believe that some turn of events might shake off this feeling of not being able to feel anything, to feel the familiar sense of warmth tingle your toes. And every day I crash onto bed, sore with disappointment.

When you are sixteen, there are so many things you plan for yourself, some impossible and some within reach, but you are your own hero at that age. Today, if I were to have a heart-to-heart with my self year old self, she would simply sigh at her naivety. When you are young (Oh man, I sound like a fifty year old ), the world is projected as something up for grabs. There are clear cut definitions of black and white; there were no greys to confound you. You take up a path fearlessly even though it has 'danger' signs posted everywhere. You shall never, ever hesitate to call a spade a spade.

Maybe as we grow up, we unnecessarily clutter our mind with complexities, the what-ifs, the could-haves, the general feeling of disillusionment about the world. Over the last few months, I had to take some really tough decisions and believe me,taking a decision is easy; it is what follows later is difficult to deal with. Not a single day has passed without me thinking about what could have happened if have not taken that path. I think of all the stressful moments, I think of the silent tears shed and I think of the hearty laugh, now so rare and there is this impulse to reverse your decision.

Believe me, sticking to your decision is not easy; your mind is your worst enemy and loneliness your best friend. A long way into the path, however, you are surprised at how much strength we are capable of. We come to accept the fact that irrespective of whether your decision is right or wrong, it is your very own decision. I think a few years from now on, I shall be thankful for this phase in my for making me stronger and that day I shall be at peace with myself for what I did. Because you see, irrespective of whatever happens, I have enough faith in myself to believe that I will be alright.