Numb

***There are a lot of things going on in my head as I sit down to jot this post and you are advised to not proceed if you have trouble stomaching rants. You have been suitably warned.***

Of all the things, I hate this numbness, the complete inability to feel things does not even allow me to be miserable. Every day I wake up, I genuinely believe that some turn of events might shake off this feeling of not being able to feel anything, to feel the familiar sense of warmth tingle your toes. And every day I crash onto bed, sore with disappointment.

When you are sixteen, there are so many things you plan for yourself, some impossible and some within reach, but you are your own hero at that age. Today, if I were to have a heart-to-heart with my self year old self, she would simply sigh at her naivety. When you are young (Oh man, I sound like a fifty year old ), the world is projected as something up for grabs. There are clear cut definitions of black and white; there were no greys to confound you. You take up a path fearlessly even though it has 'danger' signs posted everywhere. You shall never, ever hesitate to call a spade a spade.

Maybe as we grow up, we unnecessarily clutter our mind with complexities, the what-ifs, the could-haves, the general feeling of disillusionment about the world. Over the last few months, I had to take some really tough decisions and believe me,taking a decision is easy; it is what follows later is difficult to deal with. Not a single day has passed without me thinking about what could have happened if have not taken that path. I think of all the stressful moments, I think of the silent tears shed and I think of the hearty laugh, now so rare and there is this impulse to reverse your decision.

Believe me, sticking to your decision is not easy; your mind is your worst enemy and loneliness your best friend. A long way into the path, however, you are surprised at how much strength we are capable of. We come to accept the fact that irrespective of whether your decision is right or wrong, it is your very own decision. I think a few years from now on, I shall be thankful for this phase in my for making me stronger and that day I shall be at peace with myself for what I did. Because you see, irrespective of whatever happens, I have enough faith in myself to believe that I will be alright.

Finally.

Remember my previous lame attempt at being mysterious? I call it lame because most of my friends guessed it, although they were kind enough not to disclose it on the blog. Keeping a secret is like controlling the urge to pee-you can barely manage to hold it inside and ultimately it has to come out.

The big news is that I am moving to Ahmedabad for my job training which according to me is, inBarney Stinson's words, legendary. It is such a big leap for me that I sometimes get intimidated by the enormity of the situation. I spent seven excruciating months trying to figure out when the mail containing my joining details will greet me in the inbox and when it finally does, it feels like the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one.

The last time I was away from home was during my industrial(?) visit to Delhi and Nainital and that lasted for ten days. And now suddenly, I am moving away to work at an alien city with no certainty over the time period.

I spent the first few days in my own bubble, conjuring up plans so that my path to independence is not a bumpy one. The thought of unlimited shopping with a very valid excuse was enough to keep me stoned for a few more days.

But now as the D-day draws closer, all the excitement is overcast with clouds of uncertainty and self-doubt. 'Will I be able to pull it off?' is a question that keeps popping in my head with increasing frequency. Being the optimist that I am, I am holding strong to the belief that I am going to rock my training.

I am not going to include the part about how much I am going to miss home, friends, and my sleepy town because it makes me all weepy *blows her nose*. But I am going to surely mention missing my blog because it was the only thing which kept me sane during those seven hard months. It might happen that there will be a drought of posts for a few days here but I promise to return to my love as soon as I am settled into the routine. Dear readers, thanks for keeping up with me through thick and thin, complimenting me even when the posts were mediocre and a huge thanks for helping me discover my love for writing. Together, you and I have seen this blog grow older and hopefully wiser over the years.

That's Me will be on a break for a few weeks but I promise to flood it with posts chronicling about my giant leap of faith in a new city and surrounded by new people. Stay tuned to this space for more. Till then, goodbye folks :)

P.S. If this post appears incoherent, jumbled, wayward and jumpy, then may be you are right because that is my current state of mind.

P.S. again- Will be leaving for Ahmedabad on the night of 5th March. I forgot to mention it anywhere in the post. Bon Voyage!

That's Me!

It doesn't take rocket science to figure out from the blog that my behaviour tilts heavily on the weird scale. The only saving grace is that weird quotient is applicable only to my thoughts and I somehow manage to restrain myself from implementing them.

• When I am standing at the door of local train trying to catch some fresh air, more often than not,I had this urge to just jump put and see what happens. Don't mistake it for a suicidal tendency,it is simple curiosity which I somehow manage to keep in check. I was scared by my demented thoughts till Alias comforted me by sharing his similar experience.

• I have a watch, battered, bruised and requiring high maintenance simply because I wear it all the time to the point of abusing it. It is a nice feeling to look onto the wrist and able to tell the time. Plus I have this tendency to wake up at forsaken hours for apparently no reason, so instead of scanning for the wall clock in the dark, I look up to my watch. To put it in simple terms, I looooooovvvvvveeeeeeee my watch :)

• I am a victim of an over active metabolism which makes me burn food in a jiffy. It is reason enough for other females to envy me but here is the downside- I am forever hungry. My friends would vouch for it since I am always sniffing for some titbits even after wolfing down a heavy meal. My parents are forever at the receiving end since I empty out the dabbas for my fill of midnight snacks only to panic at the sight of empty containers when guests drop by.

• When I was a kid(makes me sound so old), I used to take home the wrapper of the chocolate and lick off the remnants with contended delight. It will give you an idea how much of a choco-addict I am.

• My mind is my world. I have globe-trotted, learned groovy dance forms and won Masterchef India. All in the mind, that is.

• I am really fond of photography and am thorough with the basics but I am most of the times too conscious to click when people are around. Once I badly wanted to capture an old man feeding stray dogs, but I was afraid that should he take offence, he might just release those dogs to attack me. I am more of a solitary photographer I guess, content with capturing plants and socks which won't turn mutant and kill me.

• Given a choice, I would rather curl up with a book and warm coffee at home rather than attend the most happening party in town. I have nothing against socialization, but I need to have 'me' time often to restructure my thoughts and contemplate about certain things.

I would have added more to the list but I fear you reader might confuse me for a mentally deranged person with no foothold in reality. Let me know if you are weirder -it might just comfort me and not make me feel lonely :)

Wrapping It Up

The past is a funny thing. When I look back at all the not-so-happening episodes of my life, I itch to reverse time and do things differently. When I look back at all the moments oozing of happiness, I feel heavy with emotions since I never know if I would ever feel the same again.


This year I have decided to look at the past as a distant observer; this enables me to stay a step back but yet indulge in the flow of flashbacks, albeit with fewer emotions. It is improper of us to judge what is good and what is not with respect to the past since it has already rushed past us with little regard for our opinions now.


This list of the important events(in no particular order) in the year 2010 is my way of assuring myself that all things-good or bad have to come to a definite conclusion. If things are not ending the way you want to, well, there is always another year to fix it up!

1. Loving my cousins' kids. Three children are quite a handful but they never ceased to amaze me with their ability to make things appear so simple. It only made me love kids even more.

2. Climbing over a high divider to cross over to the other side of a bumper-to-bumper traffic afflicted highway.

3. Studying real hard with absolutely no expectations and being delighted when things turned out to be good.

4. Reading a dozen books even during exams. Earlier reading was a hobby; now it is my escape route from reality.

5. Dancing like hell with college friends till I was all huffy-puffy with the dust storms I kicked up on the college ground.

6. Indulging the foodie in me and gaining 8 k.g.s without an ounce of regret.

7. Dressing up in a sari. I never thought I would say this, but I am in love with this outfit. It makes me feel so... womanly. The baggy tee girl has finally grown up, I guess.

8. Weeping on college farewell party. Not because I was high on emotions but because the guys were wailing!

9. Cutting off certain people from my life. They were sucking out my spirits and happiness like Dementers rendering me glum and listless. The sun now seems brighter and the world a much better place to live in.

10. Clearing the University papers with kick-ass marks and clinching a job. I have never felt so proud of myself.

11. Admitting to the mistakes I have done only made me a stronger individual of steely grit.

12. Starting to read Bhagvad Gita made me more conscious of my actions.

13. Realizing that self-assurance is that invisible shield which will protect me from harsh people and their opinions.

14. Getting to know the difference between optimism and delusion.

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

No matter how terrible and horrendous 2010 was, you can never stop imagining and hoping good thing for the future. I am no different... So here's to a new year ushering in cheer and triumph over evil. Happy New Life to all!

Aakhir Queue?

The queue is a good indicator of how civilised a society is since it denotes to what degree the public shows conformity to discipline. The purpose of a queue is to ensure fair treatment by following a simple principle of first in, first out although certain section of people have an inverted conception of the same.


In India, the queue is a non-existent identity. People have much difficulty maintaining a queue which is created for their own good. In school, we were whip-lashed with the string of whistle by our sports teacher since we never managed a straight line and kept swapping places to be closer to our friends and chatting in huddles.


Whether it is a temple,railway station or doctor's clinic, there will be one eminent personality who dares to jump the line and all hell breaks loose. There will be a bunch of monkeys ready to repeat the action. It is amazing how we are ready to imitate the bad examples before us but never the good ones. We will easily pick up the smoking and foul language but never make an effort to replicate the sense of social responsibility of Mohan Bhargav in Swades.


It is precisely the reason why I have frequent bursts of anger mostly at the railway station. There would be someone who will approach me with a puppy face and a sad story explaining about them being in a tearing hurry owing to some emergency . Being the idiot that I am, I end up helping them and more often than not, I see the same person cooing with his/ her lover at some mall.


It seems that I have built a reputation as the messiah of late-runners as I have been approached numerous times while in queue to buy them a ticket. With every bit of effort contorting a reprimanding face, I have gathered enough courage to refuse them and ask them to join the queue.


Let me tell you, this line jumping runs across all classes. A laptop carrying and poker-straight-hair swishing corporate will have no qualms about using her charms to break the line while dissolving all opposition with mere fluttering of eyelashes. A good looking guy will smile his dazzling 32s and get his work done while some female is busy crooning over him. The railways have introduced smart cards and coupons so that people don't have to stand in a queue when they are in a tearing hurry. But these misers would not shell out some extra bucks for the convenience.


While all this drama is going on, most people like me are left feeling like fools while the real fools will go around boasting of their talent to jump the queue. My message to them- Grow up you uncivilised dork! Being able to cheat is no real talent and when you go around loud-mouthing about your exploits, you are only portraying yourself as an uncivilized creature. You wouldn't dare repeating the stunt in some developed country, would you, you two-faced coward?

Someone Up There Has Got a Bad Sense of Humour

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
-Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist

When you don't get something, all the universe conspires in mocking you.
-Shwetha

It is easy to dismiss this as mere coincidence but with the number of times I have run into information eyeing you with a mix of mock disdain and pity, you can't turn a blind eye. Everything I hear and see seems to be about travelling.


I love travelling and the love stems from my curiosity for new cultures rather than new places. So while for some, travelling implies checking out a new area or a new mall, for me, the definition is to set off exploring a place culturally different from the ones I have visited before.


First, the television kept broadcasting shows in which the skinny host waxed eloquent about the destination. I diligently avoided the travel channels but to my misfortune,even the news channels were party to my ragging with the prime airtime dedicated to plump and pimply television stars visiting shrines with picturesque scenery adoring the background.


Being an avid reader(bookworm sounds geeky so won't be using the term for myself), three newspapers drop heavily inside my home to be received eagerly by a restless me. But nowadays, I dread to open the pages because they are flooded with snaps of postcard-perfect locations. As if that was not enough, some newspapers run weekly pull-outs dedicated exclusively to travel. Not amusing. Not amusing at all.


I have now started receiving SMS ads like "Trip to Srinagar for just Rs. 29,999!!" and "Visit the hottest destination this season- Andaman and Nicobar islands. Contact blah". How the hell did they know about my dream destinations? And they got the cheek to message and lure me with dreamy holiday SMSes. Grrrrr.


If that was not enough,strangers swoop down on me and vomit details of some overseas trip they undertook recently while I squirm uncomfortably, wishing for a moment, that I was deaf. And blind too, when I see them post pretty snaps on Facebook.


So what is the problem, you ask? Company, I say. Correction- good company. While I wait for my joining date, the people whom I consider good company have started working with a gruelling nine-to-five schedule. I am pretty sympathetic to their condition and don't have enough heart to deprive them of weekends reserved for catching up on much needed slumber.


Solo trips are a fancy idea, but they are just that- fancy, not practical. I can't expect my parents to fish out a generous sum to sponsor some crazy solo trip of their graduated-but-not-yet-started-working daughter. As parents, I do not expect them to throw caution to the winds and bid me adieu at the railway station while their daughter goes out alone. Though I believe the situation might have been different if I was of opposite gender. Sigh.


I can still cope with the feeling of being static and passive and somehow, grudgingly, accept the fact that I may not get a chance to go on a full-blown touristy kind holiday. But I simply cannot bear the prospect of facing these ads,articles and other stuff related to travelling. Please, spare me the hurt :(

Booked For Life

Books can be dangerous. The best ones should be labeled "This could change your life."

- Helen Exley

My blog template is enough to indicate my love for books and reading. It is the only thing keeping me sane these days when I am cooped up at home with nothing particular to do. I take to books as a fish to water and should anyone attempt to separate me from my love, it is met with disastrous consequences.

I was none of those boisterous, screaming, mischief- mongering child and hence was any parent's dream come true. Never had I, in my living memory, thrown a tantrum over something or embarrassed my parents by indulging in naughty fun. When I look back now, I think I was more of an observer- keen to see everything but with a step back so as not to get too involved, though I can say this trait got buried as I grew up. I was content reading the newspaper and when everyone was having a siesta at noon, I used to pull out the children's magazines (Champak, Gokulam etc.) and enter my own fantasy world. One of my favorite hobbies was writing down the words I heard on television and get it corrected from father. Then those words would be consulted in the dictionary for their proper meaning and used/abused in everyday life till it was imprinted on my mind.

There have been times when I am reading a book and a particular paragraph or phrase has mirrored my very own situation. This accidental stumbling turns out to be a savior during my rough patches or when I am just feeling low. I just clutch the books and thank my lucky stars for giving me a sign resolving my predicament. I don't boast of a collection because I have relied heavily on borrowing and books off Thane or Andheri station but I do plan to start buying them once I start earning which is an era away.

Just like a mother who wouldn't discriminated between her own kids, I can't name one single book which I adore. I love my kids equally whether it is Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist or The Harry Potter series or Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki to name a few. Let's just say that everyone has given me a hand while I climbed the wall of happiness and knowledge and when I looked down, they all smile indulgently at me, ready to hold me should I ever come crashing down.

But you know why I am in love with books? Because no matter how much time has elapsed and even if you forget them, the books always greet you warmly and not scoff for ignoring them. But the best part is they are the only constants in my life- the people around me will change but the characters and teachings of the book will stand the test of time.

Trust me, I have seen enough chameleons in my life to make me conclude no human is trustworthy(though I still deviate from this principle regularly). So on those bad days when I am exasperated at how much situations and people change, there is this one assurance that somethings in life will always be the same.

2010 Kick-started.

Well, it has been a rather eventful week. My exams ended (finally) on the 31st and I realized that this is the first New Year’s Eve in the last three years which I have been able to celebrate wholeheartedly without that niggling fear of pending exams at the back of my mind. It was a small but definitely noisy terrace party with a couple of building friends. Technically speaking, my building doesn’t have a terrace because it does not have side walls on which you can lean upon. Keeping in mind the obvious danger, we decided to keep the booze out of this party (Don’t you get shocked, I was just kidding. I hate the smell of alcohol and equally hate stinky alcoholics). The terrace was swept clean after decades and I am sure they might have discovered something of archaeological importance by cleaning off the ancient dust. Hehe.

We danced like hell without giving a damn to the Peeping Tom in neighbouring building who was seemingly enjoying the ‘live’ telecast. We could have danced more but we got hungry because we had fasted the whole day so that we can stuff ourselves later at night. The food arrived almost two hours late and this goes without saying that we pounced on it. I was so full and sleepy that I didn’t wait for the game of dumb charades to end and returned home. It is a miracle that I didn’t doze off on the terrace staircase while coming down.

Next day I travelled for two hours to watch Three Idiots with college friends. Don’t ask me what made me do that, even I don’t know. But eventually, the movie made the travel worthwhile and my mind was brimming with ideas and thoughts on how to make my last term in college revolutionary. Of course such thoughts have a shelf life of one day. The shelf life of the thrill associated with the end of exams was even less. Soon, I was busy solving puzzles and brain teasers and what not to prepare for the aptitude test of a high profile company. It turned out to be a disappointment not because I was not able to crack the test but because some people cleared the test with unfair means. It is definitely not the case of sour grapes because the fact that I didn’t get selected doesn’t hurt that much; what hurts is to see people much deserving than me get rejected. The reason being a few cheaters divided the paper solving task amongst themselves and then exchanged answers.

This cheating thing is not something unheard of; I have seen it during every exam. I know so many people who never moved a muscle but still cleared their exams thanks to the chits flying in from the window straight onto their desks. But these people never got too far by resorting to these methods. They have been doing the same course since the last four years and still have not learned their lesson. This ultimately strengthened my belief that all these unfair practices can help you to a certain level, but you cannot go further. Until this aptitude test happened.

I am done with all the cribbing but I am genuinely feeling happy for Yuga. She was the top scorer in the aptitude test and we never had an inkling of doubt about her getting selected after the interview. What followed after that was a feast of chicken lollipop, chicken crispy, chicken schezwan rice and biryani. I did feel a bit guilty about eating non vegetarian food on a Tuesday but what the hell! I had so much fun along with friends that my failure now remains a distant memory. As of now, staying true to my hopelessly optimistic attitude, I am hoping that a much better company is in store for me :)