Short Story - A Few Steps More

I know I can move a little bit closer to the sun, close enough to revel in the sunshine and not get burnt. I know that it is time to move ahead from the past, to let go of the phantom hand I believed would never let go of me.

The truth is, I knew it would not last. The last time we saw each other I could read that in the  resigned look you gave me, those eyes saying the final goodbye. But every time I convinced myself that it was over, that one phone call or a simple 'hi' in the chat message would give me hope which I clung on to desperately.

I know I can move away from you easily, there is so much hurt that I do not need any more reason to step away. I have so much to look forward to in my life, I know I can make my place in the sun.  Truth is, I was always scared that the closer I move to the sun, I would move farther from you.... That I would turn back and not see you there. But now, there is no reason to.

Don't. Stereotype. Me.

Everyone around seems to have this lousy habit of fitting people into certain stereotypes. They like dropping people into labelled boxes to save the effort of rummaging through one's memory for some threadbare memory of the person in front of you. Oh, so you are a South Indian? You must like slurping kaapi and collecting various degrees. I have only one thing to say. DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!

Here are a stereotypes I would like to break about myself:

1. Being a South Indian does not mean that I come to office with my hair dripping with oil. The closest I get to oil is when I have a champi on weekends.

2. No, I do not start my day listening to Carnatic music and drinking strong filter kaapi. I am not much of a beverage lover.

3. I do not eat on banana leaves. Steel plates work just fine.

4. I do tie garlands of jasmine on my hair. Believe me, those things cost a bomb in Mumbai.

5. I do not like gold! True, people down South have a fetish for the yellow metal and are known for resembling a jewelry shop during weddings but you may be surprised to know that there a few who do not fall for this silly show of wealth.

6. I do not have hundreds of relatives working in the Gulf who get me perfumes and dates and chocolates.

7. I do not binge on idlis, dosas and sambhars. Although they make for a delectable fare, I restrict them to once a month affair.

8. I do like to collect degrees and snob about my Ph.Ds. I am quite content with my current education and should I consider to opt for higher education, it would definitely not for scaling the wall of social snobbery.

9. No, I do not dislike North Indians.

10. And for the last time, my parents did not make me learn Bharatnatyam and Kathakali, so I do not have photographs of any such performance.

I took great effort to write this post so that the next time you do end up asking me any question which are resemble content-wise to any of the above ten points. So read it really well. Kthnxbye.

Aakhir Queue?

The queue is a good indicator of how civilised a society is since it denotes to what degree the public shows conformity to discipline. The purpose of a queue is to ensure fair treatment by following a simple principle of first in, first out although certain section of people have an inverted conception of the same.


In India, the queue is a non-existent identity. People have much difficulty maintaining a queue which is created for their own good. In school, we were whip-lashed with the string of whistle by our sports teacher since we never managed a straight line and kept swapping places to be closer to our friends and chatting in huddles.


Whether it is a temple,railway station or doctor's clinic, there will be one eminent personality who dares to jump the line and all hell breaks loose. There will be a bunch of monkeys ready to repeat the action. It is amazing how we are ready to imitate the bad examples before us but never the good ones. We will easily pick up the smoking and foul language but never make an effort to replicate the sense of social responsibility of Mohan Bhargav in Swades.


It is precisely the reason why I have frequent bursts of anger mostly at the railway station. There would be someone who will approach me with a puppy face and a sad story explaining about them being in a tearing hurry owing to some emergency . Being the idiot that I am, I end up helping them and more often than not, I see the same person cooing with his/ her lover at some mall.


It seems that I have built a reputation as the messiah of late-runners as I have been approached numerous times while in queue to buy them a ticket. With every bit of effort contorting a reprimanding face, I have gathered enough courage to refuse them and ask them to join the queue.


Let me tell you, this line jumping runs across all classes. A laptop carrying and poker-straight-hair swishing corporate will have no qualms about using her charms to break the line while dissolving all opposition with mere fluttering of eyelashes. A good looking guy will smile his dazzling 32s and get his work done while some female is busy crooning over him. The railways have introduced smart cards and coupons so that people don't have to stand in a queue when they are in a tearing hurry. But these misers would not shell out some extra bucks for the convenience.


While all this drama is going on, most people like me are left feeling like fools while the real fools will go around boasting of their talent to jump the queue. My message to them- Grow up you uncivilised dork! Being able to cheat is no real talent and when you go around loud-mouthing about your exploits, you are only portraying yourself as an uncivilized creature. You wouldn't dare repeating the stunt in some developed country, would you, you two-faced coward?

Disappointment

Today is not the day. Just not the day I was hoping for.... Another cycle of futile waiting and hoping against hope for something to land in my inbox. I need to constantly remind myself that patience is my biggest virtue and now it is put to test. I have to continue being strong. Tomorrow will be the day hopefully....

Someone Up There Has Got a Bad Sense of Humour

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
-Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist

When you don't get something, all the universe conspires in mocking you.
-Shwetha

It is easy to dismiss this as mere coincidence but with the number of times I have run into information eyeing you with a mix of mock disdain and pity, you can't turn a blind eye. Everything I hear and see seems to be about travelling.


I love travelling and the love stems from my curiosity for new cultures rather than new places. So while for some, travelling implies checking out a new area or a new mall, for me, the definition is to set off exploring a place culturally different from the ones I have visited before.


First, the television kept broadcasting shows in which the skinny host waxed eloquent about the destination. I diligently avoided the travel channels but to my misfortune,even the news channels were party to my ragging with the prime airtime dedicated to plump and pimply television stars visiting shrines with picturesque scenery adoring the background.


Being an avid reader(bookworm sounds geeky so won't be using the term for myself), three newspapers drop heavily inside my home to be received eagerly by a restless me. But nowadays, I dread to open the pages because they are flooded with snaps of postcard-perfect locations. As if that was not enough, some newspapers run weekly pull-outs dedicated exclusively to travel. Not amusing. Not amusing at all.


I have now started receiving SMS ads like "Trip to Srinagar for just Rs. 29,999!!" and "Visit the hottest destination this season- Andaman and Nicobar islands. Contact blah". How the hell did they know about my dream destinations? And they got the cheek to message and lure me with dreamy holiday SMSes. Grrrrr.


If that was not enough,strangers swoop down on me and vomit details of some overseas trip they undertook recently while I squirm uncomfortably, wishing for a moment, that I was deaf. And blind too, when I see them post pretty snaps on Facebook.


So what is the problem, you ask? Company, I say. Correction- good company. While I wait for my joining date, the people whom I consider good company have started working with a gruelling nine-to-five schedule. I am pretty sympathetic to their condition and don't have enough heart to deprive them of weekends reserved for catching up on much needed slumber.


Solo trips are a fancy idea, but they are just that- fancy, not practical. I can't expect my parents to fish out a generous sum to sponsor some crazy solo trip of their graduated-but-not-yet-started-working daughter. As parents, I do not expect them to throw caution to the winds and bid me adieu at the railway station while their daughter goes out alone. Though I believe the situation might have been different if I was of opposite gender. Sigh.


I can still cope with the feeling of being static and passive and somehow, grudgingly, accept the fact that I may not get a chance to go on a full-blown touristy kind holiday. But I simply cannot bear the prospect of facing these ads,articles and other stuff related to travelling. Please, spare me the hurt :(

Pet Peeves

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray attempts to demarcate problem areas for men and women by pointing out essential differences and I must say he has done a good job. The book uses waves as a metaphor for women, with crests representing the phases wherein the XX species are in cheerful disposition and troughs representing the sulky aura we put up sometimes. No prizes for guessing which phase I am in.

I have been religiously ranting on the blog since it is therapeutic and much better than conjuring up violent plans to eliminate the source of irritation who most often that not is a person than an incident. So in keeping up with the spirit of sulkiness and my dark mood, I present to you this list who continue to grate my nerves and instigate violent reaction from me.

1. Loud people

I have never understood why there is a need to yell and get all agitated to drive home a point. Most of the time it turns out to be useless babble and the times it is something worth listening, your ear drums have suffered permanent damage.

2. Spit-happy people

When I see them color the town red, I have this permanent desire to repeat the action at their house.

3. The roadblocks

These are the people who will constantly stand in your way and commendably perform the job of a detractor.Constantly throwing up oppositions to your ideas and indulging in fault-finding, these people never go far in life and they wish the same for everyone around. Steer clear, I say.

4. Honking cars

Dude, you know there is a traffic jam ahead, your honking won't magically make it disappear, right?

5. Plain impractical people

They will suggest the most impractical plans but will not take up responsibility for it. If they have such great plans, maybe they could start with showing a bit of conviction na?

6. Water- babies

These people will behave like fishes who might just die if they are separated from water. With unfailing regularity, they will water their cars or flood the lawns without giving a damn to the wastage. I have seen nut cases around who will not relax their regime even during a water crisis while the upper floor residents wait for water to be pumped up to their tanks. Selfish, idiotic and narcissists are the keywords for them.

7. Fevicol varieties

These people are unfortunately under the illusion that the world is going to actually end in 2012 and as a result, are always in a hurry to know more about you, never mind the fact that you have been introduced only a moment ago. I am a very guarded person who loves her privacy while taking my own sweet time to open up. But if someone is under the impression that I will pop open audibly as a soda bottle, then it becomes necessary to make yourself clear.

8. I-am-so-great types

No description needed since everyone detests them. Except may be the cronies they are surrounded with.

I could go on and on, but it only shoots up my BP even thinking about such people *breathe in* *breathe out*. I have had enough of them and if you have in some way irritated me, you can be rest assured you have made it to the list.

Art of Living- Day 3

I must say I softened up a bit after the previous day's surprise birthday celebration and I saw the initial signs of enthusiasm which prodded me to attend the last day of the workshop. Thanks to my neighbor, I arrived late at the venue and one certain volunteer was rubbing her hands in glee at the fine amount to be imposed on us. Turns out, I had five more people for company and everyone argued voraciously. Apparently, she

was just kidding and we went in to see a game in progress resembling 'Fire in the mountain' childhood game.

I forgot to add yesterday that some newspaper would be covering the event and everyone turned out in their best outfits.Including me. After the usual round of breathing exercises, we settled down to hear a few more teachings.

Now comes the really funny part. We were placed in front of a participant (of same gender!!!!!!!) and asked to look into their eyes while some song played in the background. Trust me it was really embarrassing and to make matters worse, we had to repeat the exercise with two more people. The whole exercise could be described in a single word- AWKWARD. I sighed audibly when it came to an end but groans followed soon when we were asked to close our eyes. And dance.

Now, I do dance with gay abandon when no one is at home and I don't care how terrible my steps are, for the simple reason that no one is watching. How do they expect me to dance freely when I am being watched by the volunteers? Trust me, it was not a good experience for me since I was waiting for the song to get over.

The workshop ended on a good note with the last activity wherein we were handed out paper plates. Now everyone was supposed to compliment each other on the basis of our interaction in the past few days. Trust me, there is nothing more liberating than letting go of all our preconceived negative impressions and prejudices about a person and giving their positive aspects more weight in your thoughts. There was this really nice energy coursing through me as I penned down a word of praise for each one of them. It felt.......awesome!

So go ahead and repeat this exercise with your friends and believe me, the greatest benefactor will you. Go fish out those paper plates and let me know about your experience :)

Art of Living- Day 2

So after the disappointment of the first day, I was in no mood to attends the next day's session. To crumble my already weak willpower, my neighbor who had enrolled with me for the course simply refused to attend any more. Seems he have had enough of it since he was enrolled against his wishes for the course plus the first day was too much for him to take. But being the paisa vasool karo attitude girl that I am, I decided to complete it and attend the remaining days too. Surprisingly, he went a change of heart by evening and agreed to give me company.

The second day began with the breathing exercises but I was pleased with myself since my threshold for pain had increase and could carry on with the exercises with minimal pain. Something to cheer about definitely :)

The rest of the session was nothing out of the ordinary and we learnt a few more sutras which were practical enough. It is strange knowing that what we were advised to implement in real life sounded so obvious but it is the case of easier said than done.

Now as we moved towards the end of second day's session, we were asked to close our eyes(what is up with this closing eyes part. It is done with such regularity that now it seems more of a chore) and were told that it is someone's special day. Obviously Gandhiji, I thought since it was October 2. I was pleasantly surprised to see a drool-inducing cake in front of us and was more surprised to hear we we had a birthday boy in our midst. This one sweet gesture by the organizers was enough to lighten up my uninterested state of mind and I had a deliriously happy time.

All is well that ends well I say! :)

Art of Living- Day 1

As promised earlier, I am writing about my experience about the Art of Living course which was designed specially for the youth called YES+. I had heard quite a few rave reviews about it and considering the utter disarray my mind was in, I gave it a shot.

The instructor was a young female and was surprised to see a normal crowd because I was half expecting overtly spiritual people with serene looks on their faces. The first exercise was introducing yourself to the participants. Now here is the catch- You hold hands with that person and say, "My name is ABC and I belong to you", and this is where my enthusiasm took a south-bound plunge. It sounded so absolutely fake and when they asked about the experience, I heard all the more fake answers like "good", "great", "refreshing" etcetera.

We were imparted a few words of wisdom called sutras which was appealing enough for me. They were very basic and no-nonsense types but still we never think of implementing them. It was followed by a round of breathing exercises and Sudarshan Kriya-the star attraction of the course.

They got an interesting way to underline the meaning of the sutra because we played a game first and then they explained what they were trying to stress through the games. My ankles hurt pretty bad sitting in vajrasan for almost thirty minutes or so and feet were all numb from sitting cross-legged. Sore with pain, we left after 9.30 and headed home. I was more sore with disappointment.

I Almost Fainted....

.... when I was out shopping at D-Mart yesterday. Mom had given me a list and it was very boring because I had to do it alone. Plus the store is a good fifteen minute walk from my place and with the kind of weather Mumbai is having nowadays, I almost risked a sunstroke by the time I reached the place.

The list was really small consisting of really essential stuff which the friendly neighborhood kirana guy does not stock and I was strictly instructed not to stray away from the list and shop according to my whims and fancies. Sigh! Now you know why I was not that eager to go shopping.

So I was lugging around the basket(I had deliberately not opted for the trolley since I get seized by this weird urge to fill it up to the brim) and browsing through the cosmetics section to get a face wash. I don't fit into the mold of a typical girl who researches every beauty product- my only criteria was the price and was able to decide on one in a jiffy.

There were two guys besides me who were checking out the array of creams,face washes,cleansers,toners and moisturizers(but not me :( ). But what shocked me was their very serious and informed discussion on the various products. "Oh, I have tried this, it is very mild but if your skin is dry then go for ....", "See, never use products which claim to clear off oil from your face, it will only increase oily secretions from the face....", "Hey this is a new one, lets try it out" and so on.

After a few minutes of deliberation, they zeroed in onto a product and left while I stood rooted to the spot wondering since when did guys become so conscious of their appearance. I have always liked the way in which guys get ready in a jiffy(and still look adorable). Whatever happened to the concept of 'tall,dark and handsome' or am I the only one stuck with the classic concept of a nice guy?

I returned back home carrying two bags and again got fried in the sun(What is up with the weather these days?). My brother and I have this ritual of emptying every bag that comes inside our house, search for relevant things and leave the rest on the floor for Mom to clear up later,albeit grudgingly. I asked my brother to find the face wash for me since I could not spot it in the heap. A few minutes later, he was looking at the face wash rather strangely only to ask later "I am keeping this. My skin got all bad from the sun. And the next time you go to D-Mart, let me know coz I wanted a skin cream". WTH!

The Dynamics of Being Inert

They say when you know a disaster is lurking around the corner, you are prepared for it mentally and helps you deal with it in a planned manner. Just like the way you take in a deep breath before the waves come crashing and pull you deep inside the water. I knew this was coming so can't argue that I was taken by surprise, only that I could not cope with its sheer enormity. Frustration is the name.

It has been more than three months I am at home and let me tell you the first one month was absolute heaven. Rid of exams, I was left with so much time on my hands that I didn't know what to do of it. It was a heady feeling that made me giddy with happiness. So there was a lot of catching up with friends, loitering around at malls and hogging on food(this is applicable only for me).

I believe it becomes easier to wait when you are awaiting something,a s in my case, the result. The endless wait and the anticipation was easier to cope with because you were not alone. It was like waiting for the New Year- being alone on that day is a curse,but along with a bunch of friends life seems like heaven.

The results arrived and mercifully it was good. Not just for me, but for everyone around. For the past few years, I have been unable to indulge in the celebration of my results since it was always overshadowed by the sorrow of a friend who did not fare well. I am simply unable to feel happiness if someone important in my life is upset and that, I believe is the most basic human tendency. So for a change, this time we were able to enjoy the feeling of being an engineer and to the job awaiting us.

But suddenly it hit me- what now? Sure I had the company to wait for since I have not yet received the joining. My friends got cozy in their jobs so suddenly I was deprived of company to roam around and I felt guilty asking those tired souls to come out of their houses on holidays. I try to keep myself busy with household stuff and my mother is one delighted soul. I surf the Internet for recipes and cook them up and frankly I am glad it kills time though there is this nagging feeling inside me that I could have done better things with my time.

To top it all,I was missing last dates for all the courses I wanted to enroll and I am still to understand how I managed a feat like that. Then again started a fresh new cycle of waiting which is driving me freaking crazy now. I really have to restrain myself to use expletives on my blog just to show people how frustrated I am doing nothing. Those words sometimes do help people understand the enormity or seriousness of the situation.

Yeah I know people might suggest me to enroll for XYZ course but guys, I have my own list of things I want to do like enroll for a dancing class, a foreign language course or take up oil painting classes. Only that my wishes are shot down with alarming regularity by my parents and they are deemed unnecessary which makes me all the more mad. I have forever postponed enrolling for them since I was short on time and look at the irony now. I have time- the only necessary thing for the course but no permission to do so.

I find a bit of solace on the Internet since it takes my mind off the rage boiling inside me at the utter helplessness of my situation. I tweet, chat,do a bit of social networking and I am glad that a few hours have passed peacefully.And I say a few hours because mother reprimands me if I exceed an hour as she is more concerned with the electricity bill rather than my sanity.

Two days ago, I had a breakdown of sorts where I wept on my pillow and almost suffocated myself trying to muffle my sobs. It was liberating because I was finally breaking free from my illusions and accepting the fact that my life sucks for now. I don't have to put up a farce that I am enjoying it. I used to enjoy it but when you got no one to share your time, it is a bloody torture. That night when the tears flowed uninhibited till I could taste them in my mouth, I resolved to do something of my situation. The first thing I have to let go is my passivity and I have already started on this hell of a task. I don't know about the outcome of this resolution but at least it is a start.

I got lots of things planned, one being Art of Living course that starts today and goes on till this Sunday, four hours per day. I was never enthusiastic about doing it but when I saw what a rut I am stuck in, I jumped in. Will keep you updated :)