Numb

***There are a lot of things going on in my head as I sit down to jot this post and you are advised to not proceed if you have trouble stomaching rants. You have been suitably warned.***

Of all the things, I hate this numbness, the complete inability to feel things does not even allow me to be miserable. Every day I wake up, I genuinely believe that some turn of events might shake off this feeling of not being able to feel anything, to feel the familiar sense of warmth tingle your toes. And every day I crash onto bed, sore with disappointment.

When you are sixteen, there are so many things you plan for yourself, some impossible and some within reach, but you are your own hero at that age. Today, if I were to have a heart-to-heart with my self year old self, she would simply sigh at her naivety. When you are young (Oh man, I sound like a fifty year old ), the world is projected as something up for grabs. There are clear cut definitions of black and white; there were no greys to confound you. You take up a path fearlessly even though it has 'danger' signs posted everywhere. You shall never, ever hesitate to call a spade a spade.

Maybe as we grow up, we unnecessarily clutter our mind with complexities, the what-ifs, the could-haves, the general feeling of disillusionment about the world. Over the last few months, I had to take some really tough decisions and believe me,taking a decision is easy; it is what follows later is difficult to deal with. Not a single day has passed without me thinking about what could have happened if have not taken that path. I think of all the stressful moments, I think of the silent tears shed and I think of the hearty laugh, now so rare and there is this impulse to reverse your decision.

Believe me, sticking to your decision is not easy; your mind is your worst enemy and loneliness your best friend. A long way into the path, however, you are surprised at how much strength we are capable of. We come to accept the fact that irrespective of whether your decision is right or wrong, it is your very own decision. I think a few years from now on, I shall be thankful for this phase in my for making me stronger and that day I shall be at peace with myself for what I did. Because you see, irrespective of whatever happens, I have enough faith in myself to believe that I will be alright.

Unwilling Workoholic

Four months ago, I was shaken out of my college-induced reverie to start working. While it was a much anticipated move considering that I had to wait for eight months to receive the coveted joining letter, I was reluctant to let go of the easy life like most people. I have enlisted the changes which have crept in ever since I started working :

1. Become an extremely early riser. I have never been in bed longer than seven in the morning but now I am up by five thirty.

2. Become more conscious of the time. I hear this clock ticking loudly, dropping off every second like heavy lead balls on my head, making me aware of the outrageous amount of time I have wasted. The clock reprimands me even when I spend an extra minute brushing or bathing. Sigh.

3. I have started despising malls and the manner in which they lure and fool unsuspecting shoppers. I have seen the most fugly clothes put up for fifty percent sale- I would not even touch it when it has 'What were you thinking?' graffiti-ed over it. To cut a long story short, I have started looking for my money's worth in every petty thing I buy.

4. Now that I spend more than four hours(!!) every day commuting, I gobble books at a much faster rate and to numb the feeling of boredom, I blast peppy music on my headphones. So if you see a woman reading a thick book and nodding with the headphones on, say hey to her. There has been a steady increase in the number of tweets, a consequence of too much travelling and too little to do.

5. My social life is non-existent and I am sick of certain 'friends' taunts complaining that I do not catch up often, without giving a shit about the fact that their office is a stone's throw away and that I am half dead trying not to kill myself with work and travelling. I now make it a point to catch up with those patient ones who at least make an effort to be in your shoes.

6. I have realised that putting up a facade at work or in personal life never works. You are what you are, take it or leave it!

7. Weekends have become the most stressful with so many clothes to be ironed, so many closets to be cleaned and so many mails to be answered.

8. I have realised that it is not always possible to have everything, sometimes you have to let things go. The project I am working on is so good, the travelling seems like a inconsequential sacrifice.

9. There has been an exponential increase in the number of boils/pimples/acne on my face. I feel like a teenager, although not in the good sense.

The one thing that however has not changed is my unwavering faith in God because you know that a hundred things could go wrong but they don't :)

I Remember...

.. the time when I was a kid (and that seems like a century ago), I was so obsessed about saving things for the future. To cite an example, my siblings and I used to get this small pack of Frooti when the summer heat got unbearable- a luxury those days. While the rest of the gang would gulp it down greedily, I would finish off a quarter of the mango drink and hide the pack in the refrigerator so that it could be relished later. The next day, unfortunately, the Frooti pack was never to be seen and I spent the rest of the day questioning the suspects and cursing myself for such damaging foresight.

Now that I think of it, I realise what a waste of efforts saving for the future is. You postpone that holiday thinking you would go for it when you have a fatter bank balance; you go in for graduating in something you are not interested in, thinking that you shall follow your heart after getting a 'safe' degree; you procrastinate checking with the doctor for that achy feeling in your knees because you are too scared what might turn up... we push everything for the future without even knowing if it exists. When I get old, I do not want to end up sighing over the things I could have done and mulling over how life would have been if only I had listened to my heart. It is time to take stock of my life.

Little Pockets of Hope

"Hope" is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soulAnd sings the tune without the wordsAnd never stops at allAnd sweetest in the Gale is heardAnd sore must be the stormThat could abash the little BirdThat kept so many warmI've heard it in the chillest landAnd on the strangest SeaYet, never, in Extremity,It asked a crumb of Me.~Emily Dickinson

It has happened so on numerous occasions that I tuck my hands in my pocket only to discover a princely ten rupees note or a toffee or a train ticket with some memorable journey printed on it. It never ceases to amaze me that such a tiny discovery can make you smile or take you back in time. It has all but reinforced one life lesson- When in doubt, look within!

There have been desperate times when I am so unclear about what to do and just like that, I stare pensively out of the window only to hear 'Tu Na Jaane Aas Pass Hai Khuda' stream in melodies into me. Or when I am travelling in an auto, mulling over some issue, when I see a Scorpio pass by, with a picture my favorite deity plastered on the window. Or when I am in a particularly upset over a tiff when the timeline throws up a tweet 'There is never a moment when God is not in control', asking me to let go. Or when I am sitting dejected in the hall, absentmindedly surfing channels, when the neighbor's two year old kid walks in and takes my hand, as if acknowledging my pain.

I cling to these little moments of hope and they seem to have immense potential to rescue me from the dungeons of gloom. Over so many years, I have seen my attitude towards bad times undergo noticeable, if not radical, change. Someone else might have dismissed the kid's action as merely a cute gesture but I chose to look at it differently- it was more of a positive sign offering much needed assurance as I saw it. But believe me, they go a long way in uplifting your mood and in a way, your circumstances.

At some point, we all need our 'Aal iz well' moments in life. All you need to do is look into your pockets for that one sign. Go search yours.

A Road Trip Of My Own

Note: The following events took place over a period of ten hours and covered five malls spread across central Mumbai.

I was suffering from a dry spell of movies and in general entertainment. The last movie I watched was Dum Maro Dum (duh!) in a nondescript theater in Gandhinagar. After months of wasting away my weekends simply sleeping(who feels to step out in the rains and get drenched and smell musty all day?) , we made a plan to watch Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. Although it did appear to belong to the live-your-life-to-the-fullest genre of movies which I completely detest, but the idea of having Hrithik, Farhan and Abhay as serious eye candy seemed too appealing to resist.

At around eleven, I left for the railway station only to realise that the Mega Block had begun, leaving me with no option but to take the bus. It goes without saying that I hate travelling by bus- the smoke, dust, smelly seat and an irritated conductor is not something you would look forward to. The bus screeched to a halt after I waited for more than thirty minutes, but not before slathering me with mud. My very own Tomatino festival happened right there.

After managing to get a window seat, I was unceremoniously asked to vacate it after a not-so-senior uncle pointed that the seat is reserved for senior citizens, leaving me flustered. After what seemed like an hour, I got down and started racing towards the station, almost got run over by a nasty bus with an equally nasty driver only to realise the train has been cancelled. Grrrrr-1.

Somehow I managed to reach Thane and joined my friends in an auto and headed to Korum Mall. Midway, I was told there were no tickets available so we steered the auto to Eternity Mall. No luck there too. I felt like the biggest idiot expecting to get my hands on six tickets on a Sunday in a multiplex. Bah.

Still not losing hope, we reached RMall, Mulund only to realise the female ahead of us had snagged the last five precious tickets. Next stop Nirmal Lifestyles and I am at risk of sounding repetitive. Tired, the guys finally decided to give Dreams, Bhandup a try before giving up and we were asked to stay back to avoid the whole headache of travelling.

Fufmil was apparently our bodyguard *laughs violently* and he warned us to not get all girly and irritate him. A minute later he was scampering off to catch up with the guys only because I said I craved for an ice cream. Guys, really. *rolls her eyes*

Finally, finally we managed to get tickets and it was worth all the trouble. We had the front seats which meant tilting our head in awkward angles to see clearly and involved noisy seat adjustments. We managed to embarrass fellow movie-goers with non-veg jokes and raucous laugh. It was a good day, that is all I can say. A good day after so many forgettable days.

First Steps

A lot has happened since I returned back to Mumbai. You know that saying about life balancing out everything? It seems to be so true. I managed to get a wonderful project with the downside of spending four hours in travelling. Thankfully, I do not have to face the wrath of rush hour since I leave for office pretty early and arrive home equally late.

This goes without saying that the weekends now have the status of festivals- sacred, brief and highly revered. I am now a miser when it comes to spending time on chores and meeting people, much to the agony of relatives and friends.

Sadly, I am yet to perfect the art of time management considering how pressed for time I usually am. The to-do list is hardly glanced at in the course of the day and as a consequence most of the items remain unchecked.

Oh, did I tell you about the rush of feel-good hormones on seeing the salary arrive in your account? Knowing that you are financially independent is a huge reassurance altogether especially when you have striven for four years to achieve it.

I know my writing might seem a bit haywire but I am pouring my random thoughts together with the hope it makes some sense to you. I believe writing things down is the best way to take stock of your life, it gives you a third-person dimension to your perception about the proceedings of life and may help me chalk out a plan for future. Till then, I shall go with the flow hoping that whatever happens is for the best.

I can' t continue....

.. with the rest of the chapters. I had it all written in my office email drafts but when the mailbox moved to another server, the folder was empty. I do not have the courage to write down eight more posts and I believe it would not be as good as the original.

Sorry readers, I shall write on other topics but not Gujarat diaries. But here is a brief account of my stint away from home :

The training schedules redefined the word 'hectic' for me. I was intimidated by the enormity of the organisation I was working for and the struggle I would have to undergo to create a niche for myself. Strangely though, I was not getting as worked up as I normally would have.

Hostel was the best and the worst thing that happened to me. Best because of the freedom it gave me and worst because of the resulting addiction to free life. I enjoyed the luxury of going out for a walk without having to think of a suitable reason, something that I never had the chance to enjoy. I am a full blown gambler now thanks to the numerous nights spent playing cards and inventing silly rules.

It is comforting to be in a place where people are as lost as you. We were a bunch of two hundred people seeking friends and familiarity, in spite of knowing that we won't ever meet most of them once we move out of the hostel. But I am still hopeful of bumping into a few of them, someday.

I got allocated to Mumbai just when I was getting sick of the food and the heat and the next thing I remember is leaving the hostel with a lot of memories, a few of them unfortunately tainted with misgivings. I hate goodbyes and this one I hated the most because it was saying good bye to a life which was different- not happy, not sad but different. I still have a long way to go, but I shall always remember this phase as the one in which I realized why it is necessary to prioritize everything in life- events, decisions and people as well.

It has been two months since I moved back to my city and it feels as if I never left. As I alighted from the train, I was silently reciting the timings of the trains I usually took. My hibernating senses helped me recognize the sights and sounds I grew up with. And I felt so....alive. Mumbai, I am back. And I am loving it.