Random Poems of A Mumbling Mind

Discovered some drafts lying around and decided to combine them. More updates on my trip to Mangalore coming soon.

Hundreds of things left unsaid,

A hundred dues unpaid,

A lifetime is never enough,

To clear the wreckage of sins.

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A shooting star streaked across the sky,

Setting its path aglow,

"How can a broken star",thought I

"On a downward spiral grant your wishes?"

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She cast a glance at the limousine,

The diamonds catching the afternoon sun,

The beggar smiled at the beauty she saw.

The lady in the car shielded her eyes,

For she could not bear the pearly smile,

Glinting in the sunshine.

Two lives.

Separated by a chasm of contentment.

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Evident From My Blog Title

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

~Anatole France

Life has a strange timing of granting your wishes- it makes them come true when you are spewing cynicism and the light at the end of the tunnel seems like another mirage. The break that I have been cribbing about landed on my lap when I had come to accept the monotony of my life.

Although the planning had been on for a week, given my reputation of flopped plans [:D], I tried not to get overtly excited about the whole thing. As the week progressed, I saw the location change three times and the number of people dwindle from ten to five. Had it not been for a very determined group of five people desperate to make it a success, this trip would never had happened. And I am glad, it did not fall apart.

We did the usual touristy things- roamed around the market, shopped for sovereigns, saw the same mountain from five different points/locations and went boating. There were moments when we simply sat on the edge, looked across the horizon, five people lost in thoughts and musings of their own.

I realised I travel differently- the excitement of seeking familiarity is more than that of discovering new places. Here, staring out of the window opening to a postcard-perfect view, I could not help thinking about settling there and writing a book, roaming around on cold mornings in the twisted alleys, cupping hot tea glasses for warmth and reading Robert Frost poems in the dead of night.

My memories are not of the perfect landscapes I witnessed but of laughing till my sides hurt, of endless brooding over life's unnecessary complications, of comfortable silences and of feeling something stir within. This is what I seek in a trip and from what I know, the journey has just begun.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -

I took the one less traveled by

And that has made all the difference.

~ Robert Frost

She.

You want to know what a woman really is?

~ She says 'Fine' in a scornful manner to her partner is because she is disappointed at the realization that this is not the first time she will have to bend for someone.

~ She talks about competing with men in all walks of life because she has spent her childhood seeing her parents sneak in an extra chocolate for her brother; she sees this competition as a chance to wipe out the unfairness off her life.

~ She calls to say 'I love you' a hundred times over the phone because she does not want anyone to suffer from the feeling of not being love- something she has probably suffered in her life.

~ If ever you take her out to buy a gift, she will window-shop in every single store and settle for just one tee. You wonder, "So much time for buying one tee?", but what you do not realize is that she has already got her biggest gift ever- your time.

~ She is aware of the fact that her husband/lover lies to her about his smoking and drinking habits but she would not judge him because she knows the feeling of having one's freedom curtailed.

~ Sometimes, she dresses up in clothes which are not exactly comfortable when she steps out to meet you because she likes the way your face lights up.

~ She gives up the love of her life because her parents begged her to save their face in the society and forever live with a broken heart and shattered hopes.

~ She quits her job because she suffers sleepless nights after her kid injured himself badly while she was away at work.

And so on.....

Half of the men do not even realize the sacrifices a woman has to make throughout her lifetime and she never makes a big fuss about it. She silently endures it all for love-something which she might never get in her life in spite of all this. Now go hug the woman in your life- you cannot get any luckier!

Don't. Stereotype. Me.

Everyone around seems to have this lousy habit of fitting people into certain stereotypes. They like dropping people into labelled boxes to save the effort of rummaging through one's memory for some threadbare memory of the person in front of you. Oh, so you are a South Indian? You must like slurping kaapi and collecting various degrees. I have only one thing to say. DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!

Here are a stereotypes I would like to break about myself:

1. Being a South Indian does not mean that I come to office with my hair dripping with oil. The closest I get to oil is when I have a champi on weekends.

2. No, I do not start my day listening to Carnatic music and drinking strong filter kaapi. I am not much of a beverage lover.

3. I do not eat on banana leaves. Steel plates work just fine.

4. I do tie garlands of jasmine on my hair. Believe me, those things cost a bomb in Mumbai.

5. I do not like gold! True, people down South have a fetish for the yellow metal and are known for resembling a jewelry shop during weddings but you may be surprised to know that there a few who do not fall for this silly show of wealth.

6. I do not have hundreds of relatives working in the Gulf who get me perfumes and dates and chocolates.

7. I do not binge on idlis, dosas and sambhars. Although they make for a delectable fare, I restrict them to once a month affair.

8. I do like to collect degrees and snob about my Ph.Ds. I am quite content with my current education and should I consider to opt for higher education, it would definitely not for scaling the wall of social snobbery.

9. No, I do not dislike North Indians.

10. And for the last time, my parents did not make me learn Bharatnatyam and Kathakali, so I do not have photographs of any such performance.

I took great effort to write this post so that the next time you do end up asking me any question which are resemble content-wise to any of the above ten points. So read it really well. Kthnxbye.

Numb

***There are a lot of things going on in my head as I sit down to jot this post and you are advised to not proceed if you have trouble stomaching rants. You have been suitably warned.***

Of all the things, I hate this numbness, the complete inability to feel things does not even allow me to be miserable. Every day I wake up, I genuinely believe that some turn of events might shake off this feeling of not being able to feel anything, to feel the familiar sense of warmth tingle your toes. And every day I crash onto bed, sore with disappointment.

When you are sixteen, there are so many things you plan for yourself, some impossible and some within reach, but you are your own hero at that age. Today, if I were to have a heart-to-heart with my self year old self, she would simply sigh at her naivety. When you are young (Oh man, I sound like a fifty year old ), the world is projected as something up for grabs. There are clear cut definitions of black and white; there were no greys to confound you. You take up a path fearlessly even though it has 'danger' signs posted everywhere. You shall never, ever hesitate to call a spade a spade.

Maybe as we grow up, we unnecessarily clutter our mind with complexities, the what-ifs, the could-haves, the general feeling of disillusionment about the world. Over the last few months, I had to take some really tough decisions and believe me,taking a decision is easy; it is what follows later is difficult to deal with. Not a single day has passed without me thinking about what could have happened if have not taken that path. I think of all the stressful moments, I think of the silent tears shed and I think of the hearty laugh, now so rare and there is this impulse to reverse your decision.

Believe me, sticking to your decision is not easy; your mind is your worst enemy and loneliness your best friend. A long way into the path, however, you are surprised at how much strength we are capable of. We come to accept the fact that irrespective of whether your decision is right or wrong, it is your very own decision. I think a few years from now on, I shall be thankful for this phase in my for making me stronger and that day I shall be at peace with myself for what I did. Because you see, irrespective of whatever happens, I have enough faith in myself to believe that I will be alright.

Unwilling Workoholic

Four months ago, I was shaken out of my college-induced reverie to start working. While it was a much anticipated move considering that I had to wait for eight months to receive the coveted joining letter, I was reluctant to let go of the easy life like most people. I have enlisted the changes which have crept in ever since I started working :

1. Become an extremely early riser. I have never been in bed longer than seven in the morning but now I am up by five thirty.

2. Become more conscious of the time. I hear this clock ticking loudly, dropping off every second like heavy lead balls on my head, making me aware of the outrageous amount of time I have wasted. The clock reprimands me even when I spend an extra minute brushing or bathing. Sigh.

3. I have started despising malls and the manner in which they lure and fool unsuspecting shoppers. I have seen the most fugly clothes put up for fifty percent sale- I would not even touch it when it has 'What were you thinking?' graffiti-ed over it. To cut a long story short, I have started looking for my money's worth in every petty thing I buy.

4. Now that I spend more than four hours(!!) every day commuting, I gobble books at a much faster rate and to numb the feeling of boredom, I blast peppy music on my headphones. So if you see a woman reading a thick book and nodding with the headphones on, say hey to her. There has been a steady increase in the number of tweets, a consequence of too much travelling and too little to do.

5. My social life is non-existent and I am sick of certain 'friends' taunts complaining that I do not catch up often, without giving a shit about the fact that their office is a stone's throw away and that I am half dead trying not to kill myself with work and travelling. I now make it a point to catch up with those patient ones who at least make an effort to be in your shoes.

6. I have realised that putting up a facade at work or in personal life never works. You are what you are, take it or leave it!

7. Weekends have become the most stressful with so many clothes to be ironed, so many closets to be cleaned and so many mails to be answered.

8. I have realised that it is not always possible to have everything, sometimes you have to let things go. The project I am working on is so good, the travelling seems like a inconsequential sacrifice.

9. There has been an exponential increase in the number of boils/pimples/acne on my face. I feel like a teenager, although not in the good sense.

The one thing that however has not changed is my unwavering faith in God because you know that a hundred things could go wrong but they don't :)

I Remember...

.. the time when I was a kid (and that seems like a century ago), I was so obsessed about saving things for the future. To cite an example, my siblings and I used to get this small pack of Frooti when the summer heat got unbearable- a luxury those days. While the rest of the gang would gulp it down greedily, I would finish off a quarter of the mango drink and hide the pack in the refrigerator so that it could be relished later. The next day, unfortunately, the Frooti pack was never to be seen and I spent the rest of the day questioning the suspects and cursing myself for such damaging foresight.

Now that I think of it, I realise what a waste of efforts saving for the future is. You postpone that holiday thinking you would go for it when you have a fatter bank balance; you go in for graduating in something you are not interested in, thinking that you shall follow your heart after getting a 'safe' degree; you procrastinate checking with the doctor for that achy feeling in your knees because you are too scared what might turn up... we push everything for the future without even knowing if it exists. When I get old, I do not want to end up sighing over the things I could have done and mulling over how life would have been if only I had listened to my heart. It is time to take stock of my life.