Numb

***There are a lot of things going on in my head as I sit down to jot this post and you are advised to not proceed if you have trouble stomaching rants. You have been suitably warned.***

Of all the things, I hate this numbness, the complete inability to feel things does not even allow me to be miserable. Every day I wake up, I genuinely believe that some turn of events might shake off this feeling of not being able to feel anything, to feel the familiar sense of warmth tingle your toes. And every day I crash onto bed, sore with disappointment.

When you are sixteen, there are so many things you plan for yourself, some impossible and some within reach, but you are your own hero at that age. Today, if I were to have a heart-to-heart with my self year old self, she would simply sigh at her naivety. When you are young (Oh man, I sound like a fifty year old ), the world is projected as something up for grabs. There are clear cut definitions of black and white; there were no greys to confound you. You take up a path fearlessly even though it has 'danger' signs posted everywhere. You shall never, ever hesitate to call a spade a spade.

Maybe as we grow up, we unnecessarily clutter our mind with complexities, the what-ifs, the could-haves, the general feeling of disillusionment about the world. Over the last few months, I had to take some really tough decisions and believe me,taking a decision is easy; it is what follows later is difficult to deal with. Not a single day has passed without me thinking about what could have happened if have not taken that path. I think of all the stressful moments, I think of the silent tears shed and I think of the hearty laugh, now so rare and there is this impulse to reverse your decision.

Believe me, sticking to your decision is not easy; your mind is your worst enemy and loneliness your best friend. A long way into the path, however, you are surprised at how much strength we are capable of. We come to accept the fact that irrespective of whether your decision is right or wrong, it is your very own decision. I think a few years from now on, I shall be thankful for this phase in my for making me stronger and that day I shall be at peace with myself for what I did. Because you see, irrespective of whatever happens, I have enough faith in myself to believe that I will be alright.

Unwilling Workoholic

Four months ago, I was shaken out of my college-induced reverie to start working. While it was a much anticipated move considering that I had to wait for eight months to receive the coveted joining letter, I was reluctant to let go of the easy life like most people. I have enlisted the changes which have crept in ever since I started working :

1. Become an extremely early riser. I have never been in bed longer than seven in the morning but now I am up by five thirty.

2. Become more conscious of the time. I hear this clock ticking loudly, dropping off every second like heavy lead balls on my head, making me aware of the outrageous amount of time I have wasted. The clock reprimands me even when I spend an extra minute brushing or bathing. Sigh.

3. I have started despising malls and the manner in which they lure and fool unsuspecting shoppers. I have seen the most fugly clothes put up for fifty percent sale- I would not even touch it when it has 'What were you thinking?' graffiti-ed over it. To cut a long story short, I have started looking for my money's worth in every petty thing I buy.

4. Now that I spend more than four hours(!!) every day commuting, I gobble books at a much faster rate and to numb the feeling of boredom, I blast peppy music on my headphones. So if you see a woman reading a thick book and nodding with the headphones on, say hey to her. There has been a steady increase in the number of tweets, a consequence of too much travelling and too little to do.

5. My social life is non-existent and I am sick of certain 'friends' taunts complaining that I do not catch up often, without giving a shit about the fact that their office is a stone's throw away and that I am half dead trying not to kill myself with work and travelling. I now make it a point to catch up with those patient ones who at least make an effort to be in your shoes.

6. I have realised that putting up a facade at work or in personal life never works. You are what you are, take it or leave it!

7. Weekends have become the most stressful with so many clothes to be ironed, so many closets to be cleaned and so many mails to be answered.

8. I have realised that it is not always possible to have everything, sometimes you have to let things go. The project I am working on is so good, the travelling seems like a inconsequential sacrifice.

9. There has been an exponential increase in the number of boils/pimples/acne on my face. I feel like a teenager, although not in the good sense.

The one thing that however has not changed is my unwavering faith in God because you know that a hundred things could go wrong but they don't :)

I Remember...

.. the time when I was a kid (and that seems like a century ago), I was so obsessed about saving things for the future. To cite an example, my siblings and I used to get this small pack of Frooti when the summer heat got unbearable- a luxury those days. While the rest of the gang would gulp it down greedily, I would finish off a quarter of the mango drink and hide the pack in the refrigerator so that it could be relished later. The next day, unfortunately, the Frooti pack was never to be seen and I spent the rest of the day questioning the suspects and cursing myself for such damaging foresight.

Now that I think of it, I realise what a waste of efforts saving for the future is. You postpone that holiday thinking you would go for it when you have a fatter bank balance; you go in for graduating in something you are not interested in, thinking that you shall follow your heart after getting a 'safe' degree; you procrastinate checking with the doctor for that achy feeling in your knees because you are too scared what might turn up... we push everything for the future without even knowing if it exists. When I get old, I do not want to end up sighing over the things I could have done and mulling over how life would have been if only I had listened to my heart. It is time to take stock of my life.