Numb

***There are a lot of things going on in my head as I sit down to jot this post and you are advised to not proceed if you have trouble stomaching rants. You have been suitably warned.***

Of all the things, I hate this numbness, the complete inability to feel things does not even allow me to be miserable. Every day I wake up, I genuinely believe that some turn of events might shake off this feeling of not being able to feel anything, to feel the familiar sense of warmth tingle your toes. And every day I crash onto bed, sore with disappointment.

When you are sixteen, there are so many things you plan for yourself, some impossible and some within reach, but you are your own hero at that age. Today, if I were to have a heart-to-heart with my self year old self, she would simply sigh at her naivety. When you are young (Oh man, I sound like a fifty year old ), the world is projected as something up for grabs. There are clear cut definitions of black and white; there were no greys to confound you. You take up a path fearlessly even though it has 'danger' signs posted everywhere. You shall never, ever hesitate to call a spade a spade.

Maybe as we grow up, we unnecessarily clutter our mind with complexities, the what-ifs, the could-haves, the general feeling of disillusionment about the world. Over the last few months, I had to take some really tough decisions and believe me,taking a decision is easy; it is what follows later is difficult to deal with. Not a single day has passed without me thinking about what could have happened if have not taken that path. I think of all the stressful moments, I think of the silent tears shed and I think of the hearty laugh, now so rare and there is this impulse to reverse your decision.

Believe me, sticking to your decision is not easy; your mind is your worst enemy and loneliness your best friend. A long way into the path, however, you are surprised at how much strength we are capable of. We come to accept the fact that irrespective of whether your decision is right or wrong, it is your very own decision. I think a few years from now on, I shall be thankful for this phase in my for making me stronger and that day I shall be at peace with myself for what I did. Because you see, irrespective of whatever happens, I have enough faith in myself to believe that I will be alright.